Reflections From a Phillies Fan


This man’s name is T.J. Simers. He is a gaping a-hole. →

This morning, in preparation for the Phillies-Dodgers showdown that starts tonight, the L.A. Times published this article detailing how the dinginess of Philadelphia is rivaled in awfulness only by the “obstinate pugs” that call the Illy home.

The coward L.A. Times doesn’t allow readers to comment on its plastic, cocaine-laced articles. So, I resorted to an old-fashioned letter-writing campaign and told Slimer how I felt.

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Dear T.J.,

My name is Mary, and I’m a 25 year-old writer/Philadelphian (a.k.a. an “obstinate pug”) who’s in love with her city.

I just finished reading your article, “Phillies Fans: 10,000 Reasons to Be Bitter” and I have a few things to say.

First up. If we’re so “angry,” then why are you the one throwing down unsubstantiated, Palin-esque criticism? Why are you trying to out-bully us in a fight we’re not even interested in? “Bitter”? Hell no. We’re excited to be here. Unlike your city, we only have the one baseball team. And we’ve loved them for 125 years, through thick, through thin, through strikes, through Joe Carter, through the laughable L.A. Times, through 10,000+ losses. That’s not anger, that’s unbridled passion.

Secondly. You say the Phillies are “rugged competitors.” Cute. And you call out Jamie Moyer as a “100-year-old softball pitcher.” Also cute. He’s won 16 games. All while being the patriarch of this team, running it out to first and being one of the foremost “good guys” playing the game today. Also, your claim that Derek Lowe will out-pitch Cole Hamels tonight because he’s pitching for a contract? The cutest of all your arguments. Here in Philly, we run to the top of the Art Museum steps (that’s a metaphor, T.J.!) not to make a buck, but for the W. And the W will be Cole Hamels’.

If you’re trying to get a rise out of this “dingy” town, you succeeded. But we’re not going to “crumble,” as you accuse Philadelphia of perpetually doing. Instead, we’re going to put some beers in our grubby paws and toast to how we’re going to make a mockery of you, your lack of tact and your beloved team.

Funny thing is? I actually like the Dodgers. My dad’s been a Dodger fan since 1955, when he’d listen to their games in Aruba through a transistor radio. Your article has wiped out all these nostalgic, “America’s team”-esque views I once had of the Dodgers. Nice work.

Phils in 4.

The very best regards,
Mary van Ogtrop